No Offense, But…

This morning, I woke up to a text message from a friend that read, “So when are the Libertarians and Independents going to send out their Eff You message?”

Having just roused from sleep and not yet being of sound mind, I had no idea what she was talking about. But after a moment passed, the lightbulb went on and I had myself a very decent chuckle, and I hope you will, too, as I share this story with you.

In 2006, a good friend and co-worker ran for Congress. He ran as an Independent against a much beloved Democratic incumbent and a Republican who was a self-proclaimed practitioner of Eckankar. 

Although my friend lives about 30 miles away from me in a demographically different part of town, we happen to live in the same congressional district. (Gerrymandering at its best, I suppose.) He asked me if I intended to vote for him.

“Well, no,” I said. “Firstly, I’m not registered to vote in Texas, and secondly, I don’t believe in anything you stand for.” He was a bit put out by this, as he had somehow decided that friends should vote for friends even if their politics do not jibe. 

But not to be dissuaded, he invited me — and everyone else in our department— to an election watching party. He had hoped to watch the results roll in and bask in however many paltry votes he had managed to accrue. Now, when I say he invite the whole department, what I really mean is the whole college, as at the time I was working at the University of Texas. He invited us all: the Dean, his coworkers, and all the faculty. The only people he didn’t invite were the students, and probably only because he didn’t have their email addresses. Thank FERPA for that, at least.

Election night (and the aforementioned party that I did not attend) came and went, and the next morning, I was greeted with the following message in my inbox:

Subject: No offense, but F**k you

Body: I’m not sure what to say at this point.. but I am beginning to think that F**K YOU may be appropriate.… I have tried on several occasions to invite you to a party I am hosting and yet you have not attended (with very, very, few exceptions), let alone bothered to acknowledge that I even invited you to attend.

As a result of tonight’s turnout, amongst my fellow employees , I may not be in the office of Thursday or Friday because I have serious things to consider as to why the f**k I am working with you, and why you will not support me.

Have a great morning you inconsiderate jackasses,
** 

Yikes, I thought. Guess no one went to his party.

When I got to work, I asked a friend, “Hey, did you get um… a strange email this morning?”

My boss overheard, sighed, and shook his head. “Well all got it. And I mean, we ALL got it. He even sent that email to the Dean of the College.”

Thinking it must be a joke, we all huddled around my computer to re-read the message. On second reading, we were still a bit taken aback by the vitriol — and unintentional hilarity — of the email, but we were also convinced it wasn’t a joke. (Though we did joke about whether the final salutation was directed only to the Democrats amongst us, or if “jackasses” was intended more inclusively.)

It wasn’t a joke. And though tempers flew, especially the Dean’s, he wasn’t fired. In fact — and this is really the best part of the story— the very next month, a mere three weeks after this incident, he was awarded Employee of the Month.

There is no moral to this story. There is no great political message to be learned. It is simply something I wanted to share in the aftermath of the 2008 election because even after two years it still makes me laugh and shake my head in wonder.